I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
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Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day