I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
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“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Breaking news:
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib