I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
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I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from