Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

This trial is so absurd 😭

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this