I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
You Might Also Like
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
new wife guy just dropped
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Huge if true.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”