I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
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Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine