Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.

Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?

Me: Oh that’s not mine

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.