I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
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I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
LOOOOOOL
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
oh my gosh!!
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down