@CroweJam

I just woke up and scared the hell out of this mortician.

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@didgeridougrou

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

@copymama

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

@Harpers_Halo

When people say they did something “like a boss” I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair

@kennyflorian

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

@Holy_Mowgli

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened

@TheAlexNevil

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

@SkinnerSteven

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

@bingowings14

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.