I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
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why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.