I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
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Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*