I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
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Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Ghost costume 😂
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.