I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
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FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
beware of dog
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.