I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

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Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,


My tween has this super cute new habit of starting every sentence with “you do realize that…” and anyway, I’m selling his PS4 for ten cents. Who wants it?


My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.


Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.


A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.



Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)


Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”


7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.


5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!