@Darlainky

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

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@trevso_electric

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

@HousewifePlus

My tween has this super cute new habit of starting every sentence with “you do realize that…” and anyway, I’m selling his PS4 for ten cents. Who wants it?

@bonniemcfarlane

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

@PFitzpa

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

@GoldenSpirals

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

@TragicAllyHere

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

@lmegordon

7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.

@mrtruthandsoul

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!