I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
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Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.