I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
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My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Never let them know your next move 😂
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.