Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather