I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
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tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
shakira sharkira
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
A short story of betrayal:
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I am laughing way too hard at this.
