Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful