I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
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A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
every college guy’s fridge
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Grandmother clock.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band