I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
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Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Don’t we all.
