Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

😭🤣

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

interviewer: what do you know about excel?

me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear