doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
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ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.