I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
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Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year
The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Huge if true.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂