I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
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Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?