Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

figuring out my emotional availability:

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

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Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

And bowling should be called pinball

is this store having a stroke wtf

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

I feel like one of these would kill a European