Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

sure we’re surviving 2019

but at what cost

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.