I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
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As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I mean…but I did
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse