Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

[pronounces lasagna like bologna]

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

a fate I wish upon no one

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch