I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
You Might Also Like
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that