I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
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someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Effort made
