I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
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My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch