Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.