Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

i did the math

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.