I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
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When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Sniffing the broccoli
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?