I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
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Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
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Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids