When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
You Might Also Like
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Was it something I said?
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
what does he know…