Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL

Snake: *bites me*

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.

Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress

I was an ugly baby.

It’s been downhill since then.

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more

DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.