I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
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My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Stick it to the man
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶