I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
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Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.