I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
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Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT