I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
You Might Also Like
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
man i love columbo
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
“OMGJK” -atheists
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night