I keep a diary of all the indifferent kisses I’ve had, as one day I’d like to publish my meh mwahs.
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lol
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
🌲😼
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.