Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.

“What was your favorite part of the trip?”

My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.