Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That was easy.

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

My ideal weight is five million dollars

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.

Daughter: dada?

Me: no honey it’s not.

Daughter: is time travel possi-

Me: [winks].

Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!

Wife: how did you do that?

Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.

Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!

Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty

Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though

Me: IT’S 2AM!

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes