Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something

spot the difference

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat