I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
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[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”