Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

me: I like that this isn’t like a typical gym

cashier: you’re at a bakery miss

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.