Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

Breaking news:

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

fly smarter, not harder

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do