I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
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stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed