I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
You Might Also Like
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
<- sleeps well with others
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems