I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
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When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
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I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Not with that attitude
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up