I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
You Might Also Like
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.