I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
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First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Eat…
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Fixed this for Shakespeare
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.