I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
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They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
The options really are this bad
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head