Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

Suuuuure

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon

sir, my pâté if you please

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it

paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe