Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

Rambo Rambow

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”