I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Said the murderer.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very