I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
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WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Swedish for common sense.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.