I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

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HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me


Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.



Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?


You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.


I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.


mom: why is there a Hispanic man climbing our balcony

me: he is my romeo & I am his Juliet

mom: (._. )

me: I’m just kidding call the cops


When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”


“Yes, I’m still single and underemployed, but at least I’m not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON” –women at family holiday gatherings from now on