I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
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Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
May your day taste like creamy soup.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
New skill unlocked
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.