Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No