I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
You Might Also Like
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON