I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
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[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes