I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
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My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.