Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby