I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
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son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.