I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
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I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Not helping
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing