I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
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me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
canadian assassins are called killergrams
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Can. I. Help. You.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.